Greg Schmidt

Toys We'll Never See

As the holiday season approaches (this may or may not be the case, depending on when you read this, but it was true when I wrote it), I thought it might be appropriate to tell you about some of the toys that never made it off of the drawing board.

Kindling Kritters: These normal-looking plush animals are stuffed with sawdust soaked in lighter fluid. Place them in the fireplace, pull the Kombustion Kord(tm), and watch them blaze up. What better way to demonstrate the spirit of giving than with a gift that makes the ultimate sacrifice?

Mike Tyson Box-o-matic: This toy, with jaws that really work, was actually made, but is facing a lifetime ban by Toys-R-Us. Also unavailable is the Evander Holyfield model, complete with removable ear.

Disney Bible Pop-Up Books: None of those scary Old Testament stories about Sodom and Gomorrah or the Tower of Babel here! These books, along with the associated CDs, CD-ROMs, made-for-video movies (now available on DVD!), and action figures, focus on the happier stories of the New Testament, from the birth of Jesus to the treachery of those nasty Romans who trick Judas into betraying his best friend.

Noma Sno Burner: Part toboggan, part nitro-burning funny car, this will rocket your kids past all others to stardom on the slopes. (Helmet not included.)

Mad Max RC Racer: Not just for fans of the classic movie, this stylish remote control offroader features wheels with real pop-out blades for slashing the tires of lesser vehicles.

Barbie's House of Horrors: The Malibu Beach House meets the minions of Satan! Comes with a resealable pouch of great-tasting fake blood. New Detachable Limbs Barbie sold separately.

Various trademarks and copyrights are probably infringed upon here. They belong to their various owners. Any similarity to actual toys is an unexpected bonus.