Greg Schmidt

Charlie Brown a Communist Plot!

In a startling revelation today, the CIA announced that Charlie Brown cartoons are actually a Communist plot, perpetrated by the post-First World War KGB in an attempt to undermine American Society.

Charlie Brown represents the average American male, outsmarted continually by females (considered at that time to be inferior), his dog, and even nature (personified by the kite-eating tree).

Each of the characters illustrates a different shortcoming of American society.

  • Schroeder with his black-keys-painted-on piano demonstrates the inferiority of American art. Any music played on such a piano would obviously be inferior to that which could be performed on a real piano; however, the American audience does not to notice this, as they are used to the lack of quality.
  • Pigpen shows the inherent filthiness of American politics. Even when he has a bath, he is quickly as dirty as ever. This shows that, while it is possible for American politicians to put on a good face, they are always the same beneath the surface.
  • Linus and his ever-present security blanket display the insecurity of American doctrines for all to see.
  • Peppermint Patty is the habitual cheater, never wanting to do any work if she can get out of it. She never pays attention to her superiors, represented by her teacher.

On a more subliminal level, there is the repeated failure of Charlie Brown, at several things. Every fall, Lucy pulls away the football. Every spring, the tree eats his kite. Every year, his baseball team loses every game.

And every year, he fails in school. This is never spelled out, but his younger sister was born when he was in Grade Two. He is still there, and his sister is now in Kindergarten, where she has remained for the many years since arriving.

Over the years, these repeated failures have inured the American people to their own shortcomings, and made failure the expected outcome, rather than the exception.

Good thing it didn't work...

Unfortunately, this plot has succeeded beyond the wildest hopes of the instigators.

All you have to do to convince yourself of the death of American "art" is turn on any current TV show coming from an American producer (particularly Jerry Springer and his ilk), watch any major American motion picture from the last 10 years, browse the bestsellers section of any bookstore, or turn on a contemporary radio station (particularly alternative, dance, or new country).

Pick up any American newspaper, and you will see that politicians have abandoned all pretense of propriety.

Home security systems, car alarms, and weapons of all descriptions are being sold at an astronomical rate, demonstrating that insecurity is increasing exponentially.

It has become a legitimate form of employment to injure yourself while doing ridiculously stupid things, and then suing others for letting you do them.

What can we do?

The solution is really quite simple.

  1. Burn everything related to Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang that you can find. This includes merchandise for sale in stores; once we do this enough, they will stop stocking it.
  2. Do what any red-blooded American does in the face of danger: complain to the government until they agree to spend billions on studies and research and dedicated space-shuttle flights, and then pat yourselves on the back for a job well done and a potential catastrophe averted.
  3. Go back to watching re-runs of Saved By The Bell and Married With Children.